Unringing the Bell

More Confessions of a Self-Saboteur

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Location: Baltimore, Maryland, United States

1.19.2006

Stop! Go no Further! ok, now GOOOOOOO!

Come visit me at my new blog! Can you believe it? Blogger has been very kind to me, but it was time for a change. So read more about it here. If all goes according to plan, I will be done with this part of my blogging life. Hopefully I will be heading into greener pastures. I am glad you have all been along with me on this journey, but please update your links and follow Meeeeeeeeeeee!

1.18.2006

Powerful!

Welp, that was easier than anticipated! Made a foray to WW (Down another 1.6lbs despite near constant ice cream eating yesterday and today, but I planned for that), and a side trip to the Thai restaurant for my first order of real food (tofu pad thai which was still a little too much for me to chew) and a trip to A's office to wait out as much of the power outtage as possible. Luckily the rumors of days without power were either false or the odds beaten. Stopped at Store 24 for ice so we could unload our fidgid air but it was unneeded. Power was on by the time we got home. So that was about a 10 hour outtage or so. My keyboard is typing very slowly--could that be a result of the outtage?? Anyhoo...my teeth are starting to ache more, and sooner than the 6 hour period between PK dosage. That's no good. Possbily because I actually got off the couch today? Drew some silly pictures which I might post for you later and now I am catching up on the outside world while Alex plays banjo in the buff. In the BUFF I tell you. We almost saw the demise of Mr. Ruffhouse when he choked on a mondo-furball, but I think he'll make it. Alex has a super easy class to teach this semester so hopefully that will lead to more research which will lead to a Ph.D. sooner rather than later. (Boy, this keyboard is annoying!) Hopefully we'll finally make it to VT to see some friends, and to other places as well. Of course, I still need to find more work. I was thinking about grantwriting (again). Anyone know much about it? I worked on a big Title III grant when I worked for MC and I enjoyed the work, as tedious as the rules can be, it is still creative. Hmmm...a few classes I am considering taking: Grantwriting, Painting, Quilting, Technical Writing, Metalsmithing, Printmaking. Oy! My teef.

Powerless

We have been without phone, electricity, water and heat since 10am this morning. Rumor has it we will be without for possibly 3-4 days! What a terrible way to recuperate from surgery. In the dark. Good thing the PKs knock me out. If you need to reach us email is best--I can get it at Alex's office. I am going to Boston on Friday to do some work. If you are there and want to see me, call my celly! I will miss you all grately.xoxox

1.17.2006

The Most Terrible Thing

Alex and I just returned from returning some videos and a trip to Walmart for an air compressor. On the way home, a car flashed us in an area I know to be a regular cop/radar gun hang out. Alex slowed, but what it turned out to be was a small deer who had apparently been hit and was struggling to stand up to get out of the road. In all honesty, my inclination, though I was not driving, was to hit the deer to put it out of its misery. It stumbled with twisted legs off to the side of the road and I then wanted to go get it, bring it to a vet or something, but I knew there was nothing we could do. It was a horrific sight. And everytime I see the deer and the fox and the other critters in the road, wither smashed or scampering to get out of our way, I feel like a gluttonous human. We caused their explosion in breeding and we do nothing. Can think of no other way to handle it then to kill them off. A girl I work with calls them rodents with antlers, but I feel deer are exquisitely beautiful and the sight of that struggling deer tonight is making me decidedly sad.

Beards: They Grow on You

Ok. I am unashamed. The recovery viewing list:

How to Draw a Bunny (a documentary about the artist Ray Johnson)
Must Love Dogs (not very good, but I knew that before watching it)
Smoke Signals (I remember when this was at the Latchis in Bratt and I wanted to see it, but didn't)
Storytelling (looking forward to this one, uh-yut)
The Human Stain (I hate Nicole Kidman, I have no idea why I chose this one)
On Golden Pond (reminds me of my childhood)
We Don't Live Here Anymore (I like Mr. Ruffalo and Mr. Krause)
Broken Flowers (Bill. Murray.)
Tuesdays With Morrie (I am a sap.)

I have now eaten: applesauce, ice cream, sherbet, cottage cheese. The cottage cheese was a little hard to do with the curds and all. I am not in a lot of pain, this is a relief and it also worries me...when will it hit? I HAVE had a couple PINGS! of pain in my right jaw/ear, however.

I am still reading More Like Not Running Away I am not far enough into it to let you know how it is. I always fall asleep, but that is no review of the book, rather that I go to bed much earlier these days. At this rate, I should make it to Boston on Friday NO problem. Although I DO need air in my tire which seems to have a rather fast leak.

All I am in the mood to do lately is read, watch movies, make stuff and work at the cafe. I just want to work my tail off doing things I love and expanding my lil' brain. Something telling: when they asked me what I do for a living, I said "I am a freelance writer," as I was going under. Hmmmm....a rather blatant lie, no? Maybe I should tap that.

I Narried a Murse

Apart from the Marlon Brando look I am now sporting (I tell ya', it's gonna' be all the rage in naught six) I am doing alright. It only took about 22 minutes from start to finish and now I have four fat teeth in a ziplock bag for posterity. Of course, the first round of painkillers haven't completely worn off and I have been lying on the couch with ice and being nursed by my handsome husband with apple sauce and watermelon sherbet. What a funny experience though, Airk is right. All I remember is wires and oxygen and things wrapped around my arms and fingers and the ladies asking me a million and one questions to keep my mind occupied I think, about getting married and what I do and our honeymoon. And then the clock start waving just like in a Dali painting and a woman with bright green eyeliner stepped in my line of vision and asked if I was feeling it, which I was...I was getting knocked out. It was kind of fun. I heard one big scrape on my lower left side and they said "All done!" And I said "Really?!" And then they helped walk me to the care. Alex just told me that I moaned something along the lines of "I feel dizzy." And it's funny because I don't remember it. Then we went to Big Y where my male nurse got me my meds and I don't know how I got home, but walking in the house I was woozey and past out on the couch. Iggy was very interested, but I think (sa gross as it is) he could smell my teeth in the bag and wanted to eat them! YUK! Then Alex helped me drink some water whic was difficult to do until I did it with a mirror becuase I didn't know which was my tongue, which was my chin and which was my lip. A little applesauce, some anti-nausea pills and a painkiller and I watched part of a movie before passing out for a couple (?) hours. Woke up when a telemarketer called and realized the meds were wearing off, but Alex is being a good murse and helping me do without until I am SUPPOSED to have them. He HAS been gracious with ice packs and watermelon sherbet though. I can't believe it's already 2 o'clock! Aren't you glad you bothered to read this? Yay.

1.16.2006

The Countdown

I just drank two tall glasses of iced water, brushed my teeth doubly well and used a flouride rinse. That'll be all I ingest from now until after my teeth have been yanked from my jaw. NPO after midnight and I keep thinking I am going to be parched although I have probably swallowed two gallons of water today. Anxious Peanut.

Wuse Cont.'d

I did a really stupid thing which was to look up wisdom tooth extraction horror stories on the internets and I nearly made myself vomit. I then made Alex come and lay with me on the bed while I proceeded to hurl myself into the depths of fear. I am this close to cancelling my appointment. I really want to, but I know I shouldn't. And I know in the long run I will be happy, but I am more scared than I thought I would be.

I'm Willy

WILLY scared. I can't believe someone is going to essentially yank bones out of my face tomorrow morning. I want to die. I mean, I DON'T want to die. I am so scared. I am a total wuse and I am scared. Did I mention I am afraid?

I have 9 movies (7 movies for 7 days for $10) and two new releases we couldn't resist at buy one get one for 99 cents. I have cold mushy food. I ate pizza for dinner tonight since I won't be able to chew anything after midnight tonight, cn't even drink water (I can't even brush my teeth before the appointment tomorrow, how GROSS!!). I have never been put out before. I have never had an i.v. (that I remember) before. I am soooooooooooooo scared!

Blingo!

BLINGO!

Ya'll should check out this new search engine. It's powered by Google so you get the same hits, which we all know is awesome, but the thing is, if you use BLINGO! you can win actual prizes (like movie tickets). Plus, only your first 10 searches of the day count so it's not like you get all hopped up on goofballs trying to win. Just use it like you would any search engine anyday on any oridinary day o' the week and maybe you'll win sumpin'. Cool, huh?

Iman Love

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Bip Bop

For a gal who works part time, it is nice to finally have a day off after 6 busy ones. Snowy and freezing yesterday and as a result I was the only one working at the cafe which was kind of good because I got to keep all the tips. Slept in for the first time in days. Up at 9. Woke to a note from my eloquent man: Iggy ate @ shat already.

I love Van Morrison. And I don't know how to spend so much time off today. Tomorrow in for the barbaric pulling of teeth. I am petrified. I can't fathom having pain in 4 parts of my mouth. We stocked up on cold mush yesterday for me to eat: jello, pudding, cottage cheese, apple sauce, ice cream. I don't have to work again until Friday when I will drive up to Boston for a day working at the old place.

Lots of crazy dreams lately. Some terrifying and horrendous. Some just plain frustrating.

I need to find a bookstore. Can you believe the only bookstores around here are the UCONN coop which is too much of a pain being on that crowded campus and all, and a shitty little Borders Express at the equally shitty East Brook Mall. Sigh. At least I have my library.

1.15.2006

We're in the Bagels

Just got back from work. I love my new job. Sometimes risks pay off. I am still not making enough hours, but I am making decent money and today one of the other gals at work asked if I was willing to pick up shifts for her. I have been making it known that I want to work as many hours as possible, so this may pan out. Also, today I brought home 1/2 a dozen mini muffins, 18 assorted bagels, a strawberry creme cheese danish, a low-fat banana crumble muffin, a raspberry twist and uh...I forget what else, and I will probably regret having so much yummy food around because I cannot really eat it and my husband is going to get fat, but that's ok. I can't see throwing it out, and what we might do is bring it to the homeless shelter and/or Alex can bring it in to school for the lounge with a little card advertising for the cafe. I am pooped, but I am a million times happier at this job. I love wiping tables and pouring coffee and baking food and doing dishes and chatting with the customers...it just really seems to suit me. I really want to open my own cafe someday and I am going to offer my baking assistance so I can learn as much as possible. It feels so good to like what I am doing again and it has really shown me how miserable I was at that last place and how you can even try to fool yourself. From here on out I need to try to be more honest with myself, surround myself with positive people and creative energey. I need peace and serenity and humor in my life. At least a little everyday. It is a priority. If I don't make sure of these things myself there is no one who will do it for me. Life is short, don't we all know it. I know I cannot control everything, but I am certainly willing to attempt to only do those things that I am comfortable with and happy about. I am not afraid of hard work, but like that saying goes: Isn't it better to be on the bottom rung of a ladder you want to climb than halfway up one you don't?

1.13.2006

What To Do?

We went and looked at the place. We like it. Only a couple small concenrs (i.e. the brand new bed might not fit up the stairs--or at least the box spring. There IS a queen size box spring up there now, however, that we can use. Can we handle another move? It's bigger and has more character than our place now. Wood floors and ceilings.

Oh man. What to do...

Library Acquisitions:

More Like Not Running Away by Paul Shepard; novel
This Day in History by Anthony Varallo; short stories
I Never Liked You by Chester Brown; graphic novel
The New York Times Great Songs of the Sixties; music song book

What to do.

Shameless Friend Promotion and Stuff

I just got my friend Siebren's book in the mail. Two things: It comes with a DVD and it rocks. Go click his link in the sidebar. The link is called Siebren Versteeg. Here is his book.

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In other news, finished at the frame shop yesterday. That was good and I spent the day missing my old life. Luckily, just before I left, my old boss (not Rob) treated me like I ws an idiot and I remembered one of the reasons it is good to move on in life.

Started at the cafe and love it. In fact, I got home two hours ago and it's only noon! I kinda' like this schedule even if it means not having a night life. There IS no nightlife here anyway. The other people I work with, including the owner are great! Went to one woman's house after work the other day. She is a sewer and potter and lives in this old farmhouse with her daughter. She also has a pottery studio in the barn. She's done some collective work before and she is trying to do that again in this space. Lots of opps for me there, I think. She's going to have a little space to show work and wants to really try to expand or do something. Also, I can almost definitely put stuff to sell up at work. They sell some handmade jewelrey and cards and baskets now and apparently they all sell well. So I have to get on that train.

There is a slim to not so slim chance A and I might move. We have been DABBLING with the idea because we don't love our place and as it turns out, my new boss has an apartment for rent. Nearer to work for me, about the same to school for A. Aparently it is much nicer with wood and open flood plan and windows. Allows dog, cheaper rent but utilities are not included, so it would probably even out. We're going to look today...but who knows.

Now it's a waiting game. Where will I work (I need more hours than just the cafe though I would like to stay there)? Will I get into UCONN? Will we move? Will Alex graduate? When? Will I be able to pay rent next month? And oh yeah, am I going to want to kill myself after I have my teeth pulled next week? Will I ever get this projects done? What book should I read now that I finished Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close? And and and...

Give Me the Morning

Well, I did it. I woke up. Off to work in about 40 minutes. When many of you are just waking up, I will be finishing my day. Not bad. Of course, I DID have to go to be by 9:15 last night. Something is usually totally unheard of in my world. Won't have to be at work as early tomorrow or Saturday. I can sleep in until the luxurious hours of 5:45 and 6:45. But a gal can get used to being home before noon and 3.

I think yesterday was my last day doing work in New Haven for the time-being. Next week, teeth out and a trip to Boston to do some work. If I didn't need to money so badly I'd think I was crazy, but at least it will tide me over somewhat.

1.10.2006

Doot Doot Doot Doooooo

Good mornin', Good mornin', Good mornin'....

When I was in high school, many mornings, the ones in which I chose to actually wake up and go to school, I would hear that Beatles song on the shower radio.

Last night, Alex played geeetar while we both sang. Tried a lil' Eddy Arnold, but then switched to the Beatles repatoire since we blew it off the other night in favor of Cash and Nelson and a few others.

Going to New Haven this morning to work at the frame shop. I am excited and nervous. Hope I remember how to do everything! Hard to believe that this time on Friday morning, I will already have been working at the cafe for nearly 3 hours! Hope I can manage THAT schedule!

For all those W-squared followers out there, I had myself a nice breakfast of egg whites, green peppers, mushrooms and a fake sausage pattie with Laughing Cow. 3 points, baby. I am excited to go weigh-in on Wednesday and the mere fact that I am sharing this with you (many of whom probably think any group diet things are bogus) proves that I truly believe in the ww program. In fact, it is not even fair to think of it as a diet. If you are doing it the right way, it is really a lifestyle change.

Do I sound like I am in a cult yet? I don't even care. We aren't all wearing black Nikes and waiting to catch a ride on Haley Bop. So...

Off I go, into the wild blue yonder.