Oh and...

Alex and I are about to bring in the new year with a pizza (with gorg and red peps) and a bottle of champ.

Hope it is a happy for ya'll!

Back to the gym and the fat burn on Monday.

Yippy ki yi yay!

Is there skin on teeth?

Because by it, I got the application together in time for the deadline and will be hand-delivering it after the holiday.

Phew!

In other news, I learned how to do all of the following on the way home from work on this fine blustery snowy evening"

The Dog
The Monkey
The Popcorn
The Funky Chicken
The Duck
and
The Barracuda

Sigh of Relief

Two days off! I am going to organize my life and my home as much as possible in the next couple days. (And maybe get cracking on a bedspread and a quilt.) And hell, for good measure, I might go to the Yarn Barn and pick out some new yarn for the projects I have cooking.

I totally forgot to show you my favortie picture of the scarves:



And, here, is an obligitory thank goodness Christmas is over shot:



And now, to bed so I can wake up early tomorrow.

Scarfolio

I apologize for the list-tone of that last boring post. Here, my dears, is what I have been working on:

My very fist scarf!

I model:


and then Alex models:


That one went to my pappy.

And now in the order of creation...

This one went to nobody and it sits in my completed projects bag. I might try to get enough ompleted things together by summer to seel at a craft fair.


This next one went to my sister Liz. She got lots of nice scarves for Christmas, so who knows if she will ever wear it.



A crandleberry one for my sister, Tammy:



And this for my step-mom:



One for the brother-in-law:



And in the weeeeee hours of Christmas, this bad boy was finished for my bad-boy nephew:



All my scarves (minus the bad-boy)



All my scarves (plus an all-together different bad boy)



Wheeeeeeew.

Now, on to knitting and sewing and getting things done for the summer festivals.

I want more than anything to quit my job!

Ups & Downs

Oh me.

Woke up this morning with the post-Christmas blues. So much running last week, and now I feel petered out and pointless. When I was a kid I always thought when I grew up I would keep the Christmas tree up all winter, but I am already thinking of ways for easy deconstruction. It was a good one though, still going fairly strong and it's been up since Thanksgiving.

So here's a late Happy Holidays to all of you in Whoville.



We've had a busy week of it between fitting in the in-laws and the fam and the little buggers at work as well. Went up to New Hampshire for a few days, had an early holiday with Grammy and Grampy and enjoyed the yummiest of yummers at Alymer's of Jaffrey.



This was not my food, but I thought it looked pretty. That's thyme on top.

Opened presents with the mum-in-law.



Nice new parka.

Went to EMS in Petersborough where we used A's GC from LAST Christmas and he got insulated boots, a darned cute top, some socks and even some radical walking shoes for me. (They were having a pretty good sale so I got a little spoiled too.)

A got some violin in.



And we tooled around town while Alex complained about feeling like an old married with the dog in the back and the Subaru.



But I was secretly enjoying myself...and I think in a way, he was too.

This is more or less what Iggy did in New Hampshire.



But he also went on a few icy snowy walks with Mum R. and Co.

We went to Keene and did some last minute shopping and I missed the North. Keene is a cute little place with fun stores and coffee shops. And on the night we left we went out for another fancy dinner with wine and yummy chicken gorganzola tortellini.

Saturday we moreorless geared up for Sunday. Wrapped presents and I went to work where I was able to finish my last gift for my nephew. Along with a few other small gifts I made every one scarves this winter. I have to admit, I was kind of impressed with myself, having only begun crocheting about a month ago. And I was glad that I got all 6 done. I will show you the little portfolio (complete with Alex as MANequin).

Hmmm...

let's see.

Alex has continued with his cooking.



I think he's enjoyed the time off. This was a picture of him on the last day of the semester:



But now he has to go back tomorrow and teach a wintersession.

So I doubt he feels much like that anymore.

Although we both had fun opening stockings yesterday morning. The we drove down to Milford to see my family and open presents with them. So many great gifts! And a good time too. Got to see all my parents, my sisters, my neice and nephew and my brother-in-law. It's always exciing to have kids around at the holidays. Of course, after a trip to the nursing home to see my mom, we had to high-tail it back North so I could go to work. We got there too early though and I got to do something I always wanted to do on Christmas though, and that was to eat at a Chinese restaurant. Yum.

And today. Oy! There is so much stuff to put away in our teeny apartment. Santa brought me a photo printer and I have to get that up ASAP because there are so many things I want to print and maybe I'll even try to have a little show.

But hmmm...what can we get rid of first????

Ah well...work tongiht again and then a couple days offf. Have to work on that essay and get that application in this week. Want to work on some more projects and learn to knit. Have to take down the tree.

It's time for the long stretch of winter.

On the 6th day of Christmas

Well, we made it through the shortest day of the year. Happy solstice to all my pagan prepsters!

I've got three days off this week! Woo-hoo! Of course, one was on Tuesday and the other two are thursday and Friday, but hell! Rock on.

Anyway. Went down to The Haven yesterday, saw some friends, drank a couple pitchers, bipped around. Home by eleven...can you believe it?? And it was a really full and complete-feeling day. (Lest you forgot, the drive ttakes about 1 1/2 hrs each way.)

We have a new boss at work, a woman! I am relieved by this fact. I think it will be good, though I have never seen such change transistion in a place in such a short time! I have been there about 3 months now and it has been nothing but transistion. I don't work amongst the brightest bulbs on the Christmas tree, but everyone has their strengths. This woman is assertive. And it's made me really see how passive I have been at this job. How passive I am in general. She is not the first to cause me to recognize this in myself, but I think I might actually be at a point in my life where I want to change that trait, though I am not sure how. I don't like hurting people. How boring.

Alex and I received a paper towel holder and a wine rack in the mail the other week. Wedding gifts. Since we already have these two items Alex helped me modify the paper towel holder into a yarn twirler which works like a darn charm. And I am using the rack to store the yarn. Me. Me. Me.

Something I love about being married: "Honey, I am on my way home, can you preheat the oven?"

Some things I want to work on in the coming year:
assertiveness training
going back to the gym (yeah, I am just like everyone else in the world.)
working on all my projects and bettering myself as a sewer, hooker (read: crocheter), knitter and all-around crafty lady
writing
making a friend or two

Professions I would NEVER want to have:
Dentist
Bill Collector

Things that are coming up:
trip to New Hampshire in the morning
Christmas! (Our first together, which IS kind of strange being that we're married and all.)
wisdom teeth are coming out :(
the deadline for my grad school application (though I have very low hopes of getting in)

Pain I am having:
knees
neck

Some food items I love:
ginger ale
peppermint stick ice cream
coconut curry
mashed potato pizza
thai peanut sauce
naan and mint sauce and tamarind sauce
jasmine rice
pineapple

Some people I love:
Oh, believe me, you're all on there.

I'll Follow the Sun

I don't know what it is, but I am feeling overwhelmingly sad this evening. I shouldn't be. We went down south and visited with family today and then went out with friends we haven't seen in awhile. Friends from New Haven and older friends from college who were in town for the holidays. That was all fun. But I think it's work. Just listening back on myself talking with people telling them over and over how much I hate my job, how I don't like where we live. It's depressing. It's overwhelming. I was thinking the other day about how I am often overwhelmed. Or I use that term anyway. I need to get out of this situation. And it doesn't help that everyone who hears about my job says things like "Jesus, I would slit my wrists," if they had to do what I do. Fuck! I just need to get out of this awful head space. We've got a new year fast approaching.

The Acorn or the Tree

I feel like I am always the acorn. The tree blooms and reaches the sun, and the acorn rolls around all day on the ground.

Sure! An acorn is cute! But it's underdeveloped.

I don't think I have a high enough GPA to get into grad school. I am .032 below what they are looking for. I know that sounds like a small margin, but this program only accepts 15 people a year! I am trying to jutify it. I DO have three schools to submit transcripts from. At Emerson my GPA is .45 higher than what they ask for, though that IS averaged into the GPA that is making me feel inadequate. And at NESOP, though I don't know what my GPA was, I know it is higher than what they ask for because I know I did fairly well there. It's just Marlboro! For one, (and yeah, maybe this sounds like a dumb excuse) I had a couple really rough semesters personally while there. A couple of my classes directly suffered. But for two, I took classes with some really tough graders! I really did. Marlboro professors don't give out As easily. But then again, my brilliant husband got all but 2 of them. Jesus do I feel inadequate.

I think it helps to show that since I graduated from MC I went back to school and recieved much better grades. I mean, it wasn't at an undergrad or grad program, but it WAS at an accredited techinal school. I think it MIGHT show a new level of maturity and or commitment to schoolwork. And I DO have work experience in the field I am applying to. But my hopes are dwindling.

I feel like I need a back-up plan. Something that will catch me when this falls.

I want to go to this program, but if I don't get in, I know enough now in life to recognize that it just wasn't for me. Sure, I will be sad, feel more inadequate than I do even now, but I will try to be reasonable and look for something else. It's just that, this place! What am I going to do around here that makes me feel adequate?! Original. Creative. Fresh. My going to this grad program was going to buy us some time. Without my Masters degree I can still do other things, but I feel like a waiting hen while Alex goes out and performs his brilliance everyday.

That is not a cut. And I do mean it. Alex is an incredibly smart guy. I feel like I always find myself in these relationships with smart or talented or charismatic people. And true, I MARRIED Alex, so I better get over feeling inadequate.

I need to maybe focus on what I CAN do and what I DO have. The problem, I think, is that I CAN do lots of things. Only problem, I can't seem to do any of them well. Or, rather, great. I guess I'll admit I can actually do somethings semi-well. But I am asking for one thing that I can REALLY do. Something tangible...like "holy shit, look at her go! She is amazing at (fill-in-the-blank)." Yeah, yeah, I am good at getting jobs (or at least, in the past I was), and I can talk and listen ok, and I make an ok carrot cake.

Maybe it's that I DO too many things. I spread myself thin. There's too much I WANT to do that I don't focus my attentions on any one thing to make myself good.

But then, it's such raw talent in other people. Alex comes by Math naturally. Just as Mike came by art and performing and before them E came by music and running and P came by being an--

well...

anyway.

My life is like a game of frogger lately, but with deer. There is not a night that goes by when at least one of them fails to dart in front of my car. Two nights ago, it was a very close call.

And it's a week unil Christmas, everybody. And I have three days off this week. (Granted, they are not in a row, but beggers can't be choosers, can they?)

Sigh. Always the acorn.

Here, There & Everywhere

So, it happened. I finally got kicked (3-5x), punched (1x), scratched (repeatedly, but I only have two small scratches to show for it), screamed and spit at, and it was by three different people.

But that was two days ago.

Today I am going to Boston.

:)

Rollin' rollin' rollin'

Ok. So I have 3 transcript requests out and 8 asks for recommendations. I was surprised myself that I came up with 8 people...and that doesn't include employers! We'll see. Strange to think that my whole life can be altered if I either get or don't get these things in...and of course if I do or do not get accepted. Could be a pivotal time, folks...of course, it could also be another in a long list of flops.

I am working OT this week to cover for the kid they fired and then to Boston on Wednesday I think. Also have to study for my md cert exam on Friday and get this essay and application done...

we'll seeeeeeee.

Jibber Jabber

My tongue hurts. I have this prescription mouthwash to help with the pain from my swollen gums near my wisdom teeth and it burns the tip of my tongue. It also makes my food taste funny. Or, not taste, sometimes. I accidentally swallowed some. I was just swishing it around like a good doobie, and gulp! oops. I hope it doesn't make me feel sick because I already feel kinda' woozy. I sprayed this bleach stuff in the toilet because it gets dirty quickly no matter how much you scrub and I thought it would help. But just prior to bleaching, I applied Tea Tree Oil to my face which has been telling me I am not a grown woman, but perhaps a 14 year old girl. TTO is STORNG smellin' stuff! I mean, I know this, but coupled with the accidental gulp, the bleach and the enclosed bathroom, I think it's getting to me. I didn't stay in there long...but perhaps just long enough.

Wow! I can write a paragraph about dang near anything!

Tomorrow it'll be an early morning of transcript requests and begging for rec letters. Maybe I'll get a head start (ha! is there such a thing this late in the game??) on my resume (a grad program specific one) and essay.

Tonight at work, my co-worker got attacked on the van by one of the clients. The client, who is normally considered "non-behavioral," grabbed my co-worker's arm from the wheel while he was driving and bit him, hard, above his elbow. Broke skin, and he had to go to the ER, have a tetanus etc. Then the client kncoked his own head against the van and gave himself a concussion. Crazy stuff.

My tongue is still numb.

It is taking me FOREVER to read the book I am reading.

blabber.

I'm a Bitch, But I'm Trying

And not in that "I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a fighter, I'm a mother" sorta' way.

I am unhappy. Typically, that translates into bitchiness.

Why am I revealing such an unsavory tidbit about myself?

Because I know I need to get over it. I feel like an ass. I hate my current lot in life, so I take it out on my husband. And he's a doll, does little dances for me when I am down, cooks yummy-smelling falafel and mushroom and zuchini combinations, says it's ok that I watched the first episode of The Office on dvd without him (even though that NEVER would have flown with me), saves the muffcakes for me, helps make the house clean (ncluding doing the vacuuming and dishes because MY family is coming over for a visit, refuses to go to the holiday party without me because I have to work all of a sudden (although I DO encourage him to go anyway), and well...there are a myriad other reasons why he is a doll.

So why do I sometimes act like such a needy baby? I know I hate my job, my schedule, missing my friends, where we live (though like I said, I like the apartment, it's not swank, but it's cozy--kinda' like me, I think)...but in the long run...he is going to have us leaving here with THAT much more of a chance to make it. that's right, US.

I was talking to him a couple weeks ago about how I sometimes feel like one of those women who has just up and followed their man. And, I guess I have. But then, we don't know all the reasons. And there are many.

When we are done with this little chapter in our lives we are going to have the opportunity to live much better. And by better I mean not paycheck to paycheck. I am not talking jacuzzis and swimming pools necessarily, but mayeb a house someday, maybe our debts paid off or at least more manageable, food on the table (not that it isn't now, but...) and enough money to provide for our oneday family in general.

Sometimes I worry that it'll seem like I am after ONLY that. Money. But it's not true. I obviously love my husband very much and if he were to quit school now and tell me he really was going to go to clown college I would pat him on the ass and say "Honey, go for it!" And yeah, I would wring my hands all the way...like I wring my hands all the days of my life, but if that was what he really wanted I would help him. Just like I know he would help me.

It's just that he's made more practical and rational and potentially lucrative decisions in his life thus far than I. It just makes sense that we would go where things are working out for him (and thus, us) since I don't have too many cookies in the oven.

What am I getting at?

Well, it's been a major dilemma in my life. Balancing a marriage and career already. At less than 4 months in. Feeling stuck, though recognizing the need for it.

I just want to get over this bad feeling. Not being able to enjoy the first big snow!

I think if I could find better work it would help a lot. But the pay at this job is decent so I don't want to up and quit right away without something better in store.

And so, this Masters program, which really fits most things I need and want...

True, in an ideal world I would go for my Masters in something more academic maybe, maybe my MFA. But this could really give me the push I (and thus, we) need.

And if not that, what?

I don't know. But I am open to suggestions.

Winter is quickly becoming one of my favorite seasons. I would miss it sorely if it were to up and stop. I like the pain of cold fingers and your breath caught in your chest. If only because it reminds me that there is also warmth.

Will She Make It?

My father and stepmother came over today for an hour or so before I left for work. I believe it was the first time my father (and stepmother, of course) have ever been to one of my apartments. Wait! No! That's right, they briefly stopped into my apartment in Westville, but just to use the bathroom. Today they came over for an actual visit. Complete with Subway sandwiches (provided by them, and a bit of a dad tradition. perhaps because we are from the HOME OF THE SUBWAY WORLD HEADQUARTERS?? That's right folks, look on your napkins, right there in little black letters it'll tell ya', Milford, CT in the house), muffcakes (couldn't decide if they were muffins or cupcakes) that my stepmom made, guinness (which I refrained from being as I had to go work with the mentally handicapped within hours) and lemon ginger tea. All in all a nice visit and a good excuse to clean up the place.

In other news I am applying to a Masters program. I thought I had more time, but I only have until January 2nd to wrangle of 3 letters of recommendation and the transcripts from three schools I went to (MC, Emerson and NESOP). Can I do it??? I really don't know. I DID just get a confirmation from one professor on the letter of rec, so that's one down. But do you think I can get it all in, at finals, around Christmas??? I really hope so. It's a program in Higher Ed Student Affairs. Something I have thought about doing ever since I worked for MC. Helping counsel people into life/career decisions? Who better than someone who's done most of it? Ha! No, but seriously, it could be a great opportunity. And if I get in, it's 100% tuition and a stipend. IF I get in. And A will have an extra year to finish his Ph.D. because I won't be nagging him to leave and we will have the same days off for holidays! Woo-hoo! PLEASE cross your fingers for me.

But, if this doesn't work...I might drop everything to go help a friend open a cafe in Vermont. Also an AWESOME idea, but I don't wanna' leave my lambchops...Of course, besides just the letters and transcripts, there's the ESSAY!!!!!

Fingers crossed, please!!!!

Snow Ra Arkestra

Snow day from work. But I didn't find out until I tried to go and couldn't see 10 feet in front of my car. So I called my supervisor and said "uh..." and they let me wait it out until it was too late to bother coming in. A had a day too. Thank god because a of shit is going down there (firing people who were going to take my holiday days so I could have SOME SEMBLANCE of a holiday this year, not even Christmas Day proper, not even Christmas EVE! but a day before that I will now have to work thus most likely nixing my plans for a trip to New Hampshire AND a trip to Boston to a holiday/college reunion party.) Ugh and double ugh.

I am seriously looking for new work. Maybe this blog enough will be enough to get me fired. Wishful thinkin'.

Well, at least now I get to go see The Sun Ra Arkestra.

And away we go....

Who Am I S'posed to Be? Who Am I S'posed to be...

The conclusion I have come to. The miraculous trick up my sleave. Is that I have to stop caring. I have to accept my life. Live it. And stop always trying to find something better. This is where I am. The way I figure, I must deserve it.

My Monday

Today is my Monday. I should be happy that I got out of town the last two days. Tuesday to northampton with my sister and Alex, yesterday to Malltown. But then, who can really be happy about Malltown? I didn't even get anything done. I was supposed to be Christmas shopping.

I bought some fabrics for my first quilt which I will attempt soon. I got a sewing machine with my winnings from the random casino trip, finally. I have been wanting one for a long time. Ever since the one my grandma gave me puttered out. I am in the midst of mostly crocheting, but I need to get the sewing going as well. After the holidays I will show you some things I have been working on.

I love looking at craft websites and blogs, but I feel this simultaneous vigor and overwhelmedness for doing my own projects. And sometimes I feel a little disheartened when you see that a lot of people do the same things. I mean, I suppose mimicry is good for learning HOW to do things, and even just so that you can HAVE things that are nifty and clever of your own but then, I think it would be good for people to venture out a bit on their own...mix it up a bit. What the heck do I know though?? I am in the VERY early learning stages.

I have this strange thing where I do things all the way or not at all. It's frustrating because there are SO many things I like/want to do. I often end up giving up because I feel that if I am not going to THROW myself heart and soul into something then it's not worth doing. I am trying to level out all the things I want to do. Remind myself I can do a lot of little things. And remind myself too that I am not going to be GREAT at anything immediately. Remind myself that it's ok to be a novice. Remind myself to enjoy the work of other people rather than simply envy it.

There is a lot more to that than I am able to write here or now.

Still with the same job probs. And yet, I have to go to work now...sighsighsigh.

Sorry Signs on Cash Machines

Tonight on the side of the road a red fox frolicked in the snow. In my front yard for the first time, I saw deer. Of course there was that dead deer in the back yard, but Alex and I have always wondered when they would come to visit us in the front. I am surprised it took so long as we have pear and apple trees in the front yard, but tonight was the first I have seen them.

Maybe I am going out on a limb here, but, I was not meant to hold a regular job. That means one thing. I need to work for myself. And soon. I have thoughts and plans. I am working towards that goal.

My friend V reminded me in an email of the MANY jobs I have had. I honestly couldn't name them all if you were to ask me. I can barely fit an honest resume on a tp roll. From painting ice cream trucks, decorating buildings and tree for Christmas, administration, working with DMR clients, working in a sex shop, video store, restaurants, book stores, cafes, giving tours of maple syrup making to old folks on busses, working for theatres, working for a crisis hotline, picture framing, working for a newspaper, working for a photographer, selling cabinets, working for a college, working for the chicago sympohony orchestra, working in daycare...the list goes on.

What am I looking for? What will make me happy?

So I Was Thinking

About maybe trying to find work in Boston or New Haven. It would get me away from here 5 days a week, and while it's a trek to both those places, I know people so I could most-likely crash at their places if I needed to on the nights I work.

I really don't like it here. I feel stuck. My job is too many things that rhyme with rad but aren't to discuss on here. I already drice about an hour to work anyway. What's a little longer drive for a little more satisfaction??

Know of any work around?? Maybe I could even telecommute??

Sigh.

This Train Is Bound for Glory

The following is a partially edited (to protect the innocent and the not-so-innocent) email I sent to my friend Nancy who just found me by way of this blog. I am sharing it with you here because I seem to have touched on a lot of things I have meant by all my complaining, whining, enthusing, on here. Please forgive me, Nancy, for sharing it with the internets. It was you who brought it out for me, and you I intended it for. But it just seems it might shed some light for anyone (although I'd be surprised if they did) who might care:

Yeah, it's pretty funny the way life is. The way people lose touch.

I feel like throughout mine, I have moved so much and done so many different things that it's virtually impossible to keep in touch with everyone. But it also feels strange that I have forged these brief intense or intimate or vibrant attachments only to lose contact with those people I forged them with. I sometimes feel like my life is made up of these tiny vignettes. I appreciate my myriad experiences, but I also find it truly unfortunate that they have been so brief. I usually have faith that the important folks will come around, no questions asked, to greet you again in life. But it's such a transitory exsistence that, though full, can get lonely.

Though, maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself now. Who knows.

Sometimes I really regret my time at NESOP. I think because I realize I don't have much photographic talent. I mean, it was fun. I really enjoyed aspects of it. I liked working hard, learning knew things, and I loved taking all that time to look at photos and make friends. But now, looking back, it feels a little indulgent.

I should have known that I would never make a living off it. I am not that type of person. I was the Studio Manager for a commercial photographer for about 6 months when I moved to New Haven and I found it so BORING! His life seemed all about marketing and selling and spending money on new equipment. He only spent a fraction of his time shooting. Mostly, he was organizing the shoot, scheduling and scouting and all the mundane details that go into getting that perfect shot of, oh I don't know, an Applebee's sign at sunset. Decent money, but never something he could lean back and take a sigh of relief over for any amount of time.

And while it's true that I could go on to "make art" I don't think I have the patience to sell myself. I'm not good enough besides. And I started realizing there's so many fucking pictures out there already!!! Have you noticed that?? Everywhere you look it seems. People taking pictures. Everyone's got a digital camera. And so much looks the same! Who needs my paltry participation!?

To be honest, maybe it's the money. It cost a lot to go to NESOP. I am not a rich person and it will take me a long time to pay back those loans. And I need at least a small chunk to live off of.

I don't know. I appreciate my experience. I truly do. And despite everything I say about there being so many photos in the world, I still love looking at them! And I do think people can make original images, and think it's a worthy undertaking for people with the passion and the patience. But for me, it's so much more (now anyway) about passive photography. Maybe that's a shame. It is, I suppose.

So much of what I do has become passive. But it's still kind of nice to shoot for shooting's sake. Though too, it was nice, at the time, to be indulgent and spend so much time and money and energy on shooting and printing and looking at our own shots and going "ooh".

Who knows. Maybe it's just that it feels like photography is so inaccessbile to me. I mean, I have a HUGE bag of undeveloped film in my fridge, it's been there for over a year. I just feel like I don't have the money to develop it. And if I did...what would I do with it??? I don't have access to printing facilties!!

BLAH BLAH BLAH! I guess I haven't put this into words yet. So here it is. My gift to you.

I heard about (photographs). I think through V. Maybe R. (They are the only folks I have kept in consistent contact with and they were both at my wedding. Though I do occasionally hear from other folks online (Noah, Dickie, Luiza, Siobhan and few other folks). I ran into J in Northampton, MA at an Iron & Wine concert over the summer. It was totally random. My husband has friends there and we were at a Thai restaurant when he walked in with a bunch of friends, all of us getting some food before the show. He totally didn't recognize me at first (though to his credit, I do look a little different anyway and he wasn't expecting me). But it was nice to see him. We weren't able to talk much though.

DELETED SCENE

Wow!

To tell the truth, I definitely miss aspects of Boston too. I guess mostly the people. But can you believe I actually get nostalgic for things like those crowded streets near Fenway/NESOP after the baseball games!!!!??? (Ok, maybe not really that, but it certainly seems more vibrant than my life now!)

Actually, I am most likely going to visit M next week. I still have a few friends up that way and my husband's sister lives in Boston, so I have been back, and often have reasons to go, but it's never the same as living there.

I certainly don't miss the parking, the tickets and the BU boys. But I LOVED (aspects of) living in Medford.

I completely forgot about our magazine. So many short lived dreams!! But you're right...it could have been great! I may not be able to shoot wonderful images, but I'll give it to myself that I have a good eye for when other people do!!! :)

Ugh. R.B.!! He HATED me so much!!! But I don't know why. He seemed like such a sorry fellow. I wanted to just write that I hated him too...but really, I think he just annoyed me and I kind of felt bad for him. So earnest!

So you decided to go back for the PhD! Your mum must be happy! :) That's probably a good thing though, right? It always sounded like you were so good at it. But then, you are so talented and such a hard worker that I think you'd be good at anything you wanted to do.

Oh my god! Do you have any pictures of Zelda! I love those kind of dogs, is she soft? I always wondered about those hairless dogs...she must be a handful.

As far as M and I. It was just over. Romantically anyway. We spent 6 years together and we loved each other and were grand friends. But that wasn't enough for us to sustain a relationship. We both had a lot of shit to figure out. And truthfully, I know now that we were really dragging each other down. He is a great guy. And surely charming, attractive, funny and a lot of other adjectives for goodstuff, but he has a lot of problems (don't we all?). And his mixed with mine left for a kind of depressing situation.

I can only speak coherently about it after much hindsight. At the time, it hurt like crazy and I couldn't understand why I didn't want to be with (and who didn't want to be with me) someone who I liked so much (and who liked me). But while we liked each other and had great respect for one another, we were very incompatible in many ways. On a day to day basis it was hard work. It always was, but in the beginning we had infatuation to cover up those tough spots.

As for A I don't know what happened!!! :)

I can honestly say that this time last year I had NO IDEA that this time this year I would be married! Sounds kind of crazy to my usually staid way of being. And maybe it was the coconut, but whatever it was/is, it is true what all those hopeless romantics say. When you know, you know. We just fit. We work well together. We laugh together. And I can see making a life together for the long haul. Good thing because we're married! :)

I never really knew if I was so traditional. I mean, I guess I suspected I was, and there's always been a part of me that wanted marriage and kids (no kids planned yet), but my life has always been so erratic and I have always been involved with people who had this inate inability to settle down. But it's kind of nice. Especially after my relationship with Mike I guess. In this relationship I am definitely the dreamer of the two of us. I like that role. I have never been too good at taking all the responsibility anyway. But in this relationship, I can let go of the reins a bit more. I mean, I am still hopelessly practical at times, and too much so to drop it all and run for total cloudville...but it's nice having my big strong practical math man to help me. I don't know. That's a bit of rambling.

Plus, I just like him. Simple.

I guess, I have matured a bit too. I don't tend to over-analyse EVERYTHING so much anymore. I just accept what does and doesn't feel right.

God. Maybe I am getting old.

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That could just be love's way of bouncing you around this big balloon of life! :)

And the Spain trip! I am so jealous! That must have been seriously awakening. D.H.! What an interesting character, huh?

I know what you mean about that single stuff. I dated here and there, a couple people I got more serious with (well, if you can call a couple months serious). But it DID always feel like lying down with strangers! I never felt that with A. I mean, sure, we knew each other for awhile, but never intimately, never well, only as acquaintances who occasionally talked because we ended up in the same room or at the same party. But with him (maybe because of shared friends and experience) it always felt natural and comfortable.

The "Quiet Corner" is next to unbearable. There's nothing here. Our neighbors are literally cows (and that's the good part). There's no downtown area. Everything is about UCONN (the University my husband goes to) and UCONN sports. Not a decent restaurant for miles. Lots of jocks and trash around here. No good bookstores. Nothing. I mean, I am not just being negative. This place is a DEATHTRAP for one's social life. I HATE it. I have only been here since late August I can garuantee that I will STILL hate it every single day until I leave. I feel terrible saying that. And I don't want to end up resenting A or anything for my being here. But I really feel stuck.

It's about an hour and 20 minutes from New Haven, an hour and a half from Boston. So it's not like I CAN'T get out. But it's not exactly easy to take all that time to go anywhere decent either. Plus, I work a lot. And everything is FAR AWAY. (I drive about 45-60 minutes each way to work. And I don't even really like my job.)

Let's put it this way. Instead of sitting here complaining about it. I am VERY much looking forward to making plans for when I can finally leave. I want to make darn sure I move someplace decent, where I can at least make a bit of a life for myself. And I want to have some sort of goal (career-wise) for when I get there. Sigh. Grunt. Sigh. I have a few things in mind.

Until then, it sure does feel like I am wasting a lot of time. I don't know what to do about that.

I would love to come visit, but I don't have any vacation time (and limited funds). I WILL see what I can do though. That would be so great!! I would love to see you and London and maybe some of those skeletons you are working on. A's dad is in Ireland working on this big project and we were thinking about trying to make a trip there. Maybe we could do a European whirlwind.

Anyway, Nancy, I am sure I have thoroughly bored you by now. Let's make sure to keep in touch!

xoxox,
Tricia

I have mine

Do you have yours?

Whining & Pining

I swear, sometimes it's like I am in a contest with myself for who can stay up the ridiculously latest! I just feel like there is not enough in life, so I try to do as much as possible and I tend to dream big at night. I crocheted from about 9 to midnight, then I simply had to do some research on yarn and patterns online. I am finally pushing myself past the most simple and taking forays into harder things. It's really all about patience.

So many things I thought I couldn't do in the past were simply because I didn't have the patience to pay attention. Like cooking. I love cooking. I just always hated not having all the ingrediants or tools in the past. Not having the know-how. I forget that not all things are entirely automatic. Once you get pointed in the right direction a half-smart person wih any desire can do a lot of things.

I can't wait until we live somewhere with a community. I LONG for those days when I can walk downtown again. Sit all afternoon in a coffee shop. Gab with my chickens. Instead, I sit all night and imagine the life I wanting to be living. And pine for the days of friends at hand.

Brace Ourselves

I have been ready for the winter. But we keep getting warm days. We get by. We tell ourselves one more time. The cold days are a surprise. We wake up shocked and adapt to snowstorms or sun. I have been longing for Vermont. Longing for community. Longing for lackadaisical days stretched on blanket in someone's yard. For midnight sled rides in the hills.

Alex passed his exam. Of Course and Hurrah!

We went out for dinner at Coyote Flaco, drank margarita's, later went to another Mexican restaurant/bar for more drinks, mancala, and inadvertently a couple songs from the young female singer who was reminiscent of A's ex-girlfriend and one of his students and had a nice voice and played guitar well, but I felt like I could have been the mother of most the clientele We were home before 11.

I was shocked to see December 1st (Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit.) on the head of the blog I was reading earlier. 1/4 of a year fittered away since I moved here.